By Chandrima Chatterjee, I CAN BE Coaching
We’re taught that giving is noble. That the more we give, the better we are. The more we pour into others—our time, energy, love, labor—the more worthy we become.
But here’s the truth: giving isn’t always kindness. Sometimes, it’s a survival pattern dressed as generosity.
I know, because I’ve been there.
The helper. The fixer. The one who shows up, even when exhausted. Who smiles, even when something inside is unraveling. Who pours and pours and wonders why the cup never fills.
It turns out, the answer lives in the brain.
🧪 The Neuroscience of Over-Giving
Let’s break it down:
🧬 1. Dopamine: The Reward Loop
When we give and receive praise, acceptance, or a sense of safety in return, our brain releases dopamine—a neurotransmitter tied to reward and motivation. That rush feels good. Helpful. Needed. Loved.
Over time, especially if we learned that giving earned approval or helped us avoid rejection, our brains start to associate over-giving with safety. We keep giving, not just because we want to—but because something deeper says we have to*.
The problem? Dopamine alone doesn’t create true connection. It creates a loop. A chase. And it can become addictive.
🧬 2. Oxytocin: The Missing Bond
While dopamine motivates action, oxytocin builds trust. It’s released through emotional closeness, shared safety, vulnerability, and mutual care.
When giving becomes one-sided—when we’re caretaking without reciprocity or always “on” for others—oxytocin doesn’t get released. The bond doesn’t deepen. Our body doesn’t register safety or intimacy.
Instead, we’re left in performance mode: doing everything right, and still feeling alone.
🧬 3. Cortisol: The Cost of Being “Good”
When you give without receiving—especially for long periods—your body may start releasing cortisol, the stress hormone.
This happens quietly at first. You might call it exhaustion, or irritability, or emotional flatness. Over time, it leads to burnout, immune suppression, hormonal imbalance, sleep issues, and an overall sense that something is off.
Your body is trying to tell you: this isn’t sustainable.
🧬 4. Fawning: The Hidden Survival Response Behind Over-Giving
When people think of the body’s response to stress, most recall three well-known options: fight, flight, or freeze. But there’s a fourth response—fawn—and it’s often the most socially rewarded… and the most silently exhausting.
Fawning is what happens when your nervous system decides: “If I can’t run, fight, or shut down—maybe I can stay safe by pleasing.”
It’s not a choice. It’s not a personality flaw.
It’s a biological survival mechanism.
Fawning might look like:
- Over-apologizing, even when you’re not at fault
- Anticipating others’ needs before they even speak
- Saying yes to avoid conflict, disappointment, or abandonment
- Staying in roles (at work or in relationships) because you feel responsible for how others feel
If you learned early that love, safety, or stability depended on your ability to be helpful, kind, easy, or “good,” then fawning became the nervous system’s best strategy.
Over-giving, in this light, isn’t generosity—it’s a conditioned response to keep you safe.
And while it may have worked in the past, it now stands in the way of true intimacy, mutuality, and peace.
You can’t build authentic connection while your body is bracing for rejection.
💗 Giving Is Good—Until It’s Not in Balance
Giving isn’t the problem.
In fact, giving can be one of the most beautiful expressions of the human spirit.
When it comes from a grounded place—when it’s fueled by love, choice, and overflow—it nourishes everyone it touches.
Yes, I believe in generosity. I promote it. I practice it.
But now, I also understand something I didn’t used to: receiving is just as sacred.
Not just receiving from the universe—the breath in your lungs, the meal on your plate, the sun on your face.
But receiving from people. Letting others show up. Letting love in.
That’s how we build reciprocal, just, and authentic relationships—the kind we’re all quietly longing for.
Because we are not meant to give endlessly while holding an empty cup.
We are not meant to serve without ever being seen.
And when we do?
It’s not selfless—it’s survival.
It’s fawning.
It’s a dopamine loop that starts to feel like love, but leaves us sick.
It’s an addiction to being needed, instead of a practice of being known.
🧠How This Shows Up in Real Life
🧷 In the Workplace:
- You say yes to everything.
- You do emotional labor no one sees.
- You’re exhausted but still trying to prove your worth.
- Your boundaries dissolve in the name of being “a team player.”
🧷 In Relationships:
- You take care of everyone’s needs but your own.
- You’re the safe one, the steady one, the one they lean on—but no one holds you.
- You feel unseen, overextended, and quietly heartbroken.
- You confuse being indispensable with being loved.
🔄 Rewriting the Pattern
If this is you, you’re not broken.
You adapted. You survived. And now—you’re allowed to heal.
Here’s where that begins:
✨ 1. Awareness
Start by noticing the impulse to give. Ask yourself: Do I want to do this? Or do I feel I have to?
Name the patterns. Watch how they show up in your body.
✨ 2. Boundaries
Start practicing saying no. Even softly. Even silently. Boundaries are not rejection—they are the beginnings of real self-respect.
✨ 3. Receiving
This is the hardest part. Let someone pour into you. Accept support. Compliments. Help. Kindness.
Notice the discomfort that comes up—and breathe through it. You are retraining your nervous system to believe you are worthy of care.
🌿 You Can Rewire This
Over-giving isn’t your identity.
It’s a nervous system pattern, a brain loop, a story you inherited.
And it can change.
You can give from fullness, not fear.
You can be generous without being emptied.
You can be loved without being used.
And you can start today.
đź’¬ Reflect & Share:
Where are you giving to be needed, instead of giving because you’re full?
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave a comment below, or reach out if you’d like support in reclaiming balance in your work, life, and relationships.
